Day 1
On day 1 you left this place
I cried out loud and buckled to the floor
Sadness bared heavy, and I welcomed it
Grief was felt till I could take no more
Then came the 2 day ritual to mourn, lay you to rest
And of course the 3 days to take leave
On the 4th I went out, laid upon your bed
In disbelief, sadness, and regret
For the saving I could not bring,
and the salvation that was not set forth
Upon the 5th I retreated to home
Sweeping Faith where it was not adored
The light could not bring what I forsaken
So the 6th and 7th laid heavy and taken
Pretending all was well and you but a whisper away
And the 8th came and showed the same
Pretending that Faith was still alive, not forsaken
and you but a whisper by my side
On the 9th I stepped outside, leaving Faith behind
Looked upon my view and all looked the same
All life hurried by
And I Screamed at them with every last breath,
"Don’t You Realize Something Beautiful Has Left This Place!"
But all is silent, and life does not take notice
On the 10th all is expected to be fine
I shuffle upon my day now, leaving Faith behind
I whisper now with every last breath,
"Shall every day be day 1 at least for now?"
But all is silent, and life does not take notice
A Heavy Hand
A heavy hand laid upon the soul
Expected to understand, grasp, control
Silent screams are not for me alone
The dead laid upon my path
I do not understand, grasp, believe
They are lost, and I cease to be
So I lay my Faith to rest
Do not believe which once was felt, praised, and embraced
What was laid upon my path has taken my very soul, breath and Faith
“Shall this too pass?” I scream with silent breath
Shall I not to be present to understand, grasp, control
Laying to rest a bitter soul
Or shall I scream out loud
Let it be known the depths of despair and pain
But if I do the thoughts you once thought, they are not my own
I have changed now, though I am the same
So there is a choice to be had and laid
Scream aloud? Let it be known?
Or choose to lay to rest that which
I thought was my own,
giving up my very breath
Death Comes Knocking
One, two, three, four
Death comes knocking at my door
But it is not the darkness, or Satin
Or life as some would say
It is the light that causes such despair
Does that bear a thought to unaccepted;
to bear the desire of everyday, neglected
Praying comfort in such dark days, yet Faith took
And in taking, “They are supposed to be saved”
And we rejoice in such comfort and heavenly ways
Yet there is so much pain left down here
Pain that was left for me and so many to bear
By taking what I thought was mine, and theirs
The innocent, the young, the brave
Yet there is no remorse
As if Satin has brought such dark days
Yet we praise you God, torturing with such ease
Fables so sweet now lack in meaning
Maybe a lesson in despair and sorrow,
riddles of loss and salvation
Now look where I stand with new revelation
Again it's all the same
Faith precedes the light and the dark
Taking such joy in the comfort you bring
Feeling the pain of taking with ease
It is a cruel selfish game to play
Lost in light and darkness, what you bring
No do not speak, you have no name
Such a cruel game to play
A Look At Death From Many A Side
One suffering, one quick, one who took, and one that bears many
I have bore death from many a side
“Which is worse, heavier, simpler?”, you ask
How dare you ask just because you seek the truth,
but you do not know
You have not felt the hand, a heavy path
Expected to follow a path which you did not pave
Expected to follow as if it were truth
One which is permanent, binding till death
A path which cannot be destroyed to turn around and seek another
“How do I feel?”, You dare ask
I feel betrayed, weak, sad, remorse
But I follow down through this path, with many
And one which will last
Memories ring hollow upon this path
However your path is paved too
But the path you walk now maybe beautiful, finds you well
I know why you ask, because someday our paths will be as one
Be similar, and painfully familiar
You will not want the burden of clarity,
but the warmth of understanding
Just don't ask right now, all is too sacred
And this path has made me weary
With anger that follows right behind with the abundance of wrath and clarity
You may ask when not so lost
Yes someday our paths will cross
Be similar and painfully familiar
You will not like what you see, what you feel
What you walk through will not always speak the truth
And the cast of shadows will not pass,
and memories will ring hollow upon your path
Clarity: The Prelude
Clarity, “Ha!”
Can't even see past my words, past my Faith
My view is cluttered with what marches within my head
My heart flutters to stay alive as clarity sweeps under my feet
I don't want to get up
I'll just be where clarity let me lie
I'm done whispering to make it better
I shutter on what will be placed within the future
Maybe a few more silent whispers
Then clarity will make it “better”
Clarity, what a joke
Maybe tomorrow there will be ambiguity
Maybe tomorrow I will see the Light
But I think not
I’ll just be where clarity let me rot
Faith Lost
As you all passed away into the light in which was held
What Faith burned bright is now cursed, repelled
Nothing left but anger and words
and sadness crumbles as nothing gives way
Past memories become my present self
And the future is not for me to know
And the present lost to who knows,
and anxiety grows
Faith buried beneath my feet
To bear the faithless and deceit
As tragedy is not for me alone,
and anxiety grows and sadness crumbles
The present being lost to the future
And I retreat to bear not alone
To bring Faith unknown,
and anxiety grows where nothing lives
I want so much what present brings
But too painful now
Hard to reach for something lost and first sown
And things I know I cannot feel,
and depression grows as nothing expands
I am lost and don't want to be saved
Salvation is for those who believe
And I do not believe,
and anger grows and sadness crumbles
Shall I pass into the light? Or into the night?
It does not matter, either or
It does not matter
They are one in the same within myself
and anxiety and depression have my name
Anger grows now beneath my feet
Where Faith lies and I retreat
and sadness crumbles
Faith Does Not Live Here Anymore
My heart was taken
Left with only grief
No Faith does not live here anymore,
in something in which I adored
Why would it be so damned?
Faith left when you were taken
And you were one which I adored
As Faith left on its own,
as I pushed it out the door
I will not go looking
Even when lost,
I am not the Sheppard
Nor would I ever claim to be
No I will not search to something lost
As it taunts me, tells me things that need not be said
To belief untrue and not wed
No Faith does not live here anymore,
in something in which I adored
Not the Sheppard to once I thought
For I am still lost
As I left on my own,
as Faith pushed me out the door
No Faith does not live here anymore,
in something in which I adored
The Lost: A Fall From Grace
Can the lost ever be found?
A lost Faith? A lost self?
Can Faith call back when buried beneath?
Lost among such tragedy
Do I dare listen?, Be called to believe?
Shall I resurrect it from the depths in which it fell?
Shall I begin to rejoice?, Have Faith?
Though the heart is heavy
Still cursing what was taken, and to what was lost
And I did not forget who took and left me lost
That curse is for one alone,
and the pieces took shall be my own
Such a silly game; this back and forth
I want so much to return, but too lost to be found
Grief keeping it at bay
Fumbling around lost within the boundaries I keep
It's hard to find things buried so well
With all the death and grief that was felt
Such a silly game to play
Faith does not play it well
It tears me apart; this back and forth
Faith smiles down upon
Expecting me to believe, reciprocate
But I have other plans, beliefs
When Faith knocks I do not hear, nor answer, or believe
Am I lost in what it calls Faith?
No I tear down the walls and find my own way
Do you hear me Faith?
No I think not
I am lost in what is called Faith,
and to what I believe
No Faith does not play well,
and what I gain shall be lost
Shall I surrender now?
Lost something to believe
A lost Faith, a lost self
And I mourn for so little
I do not want to bear this game,
I do not play it well
Please release me from this game
I promise to believe, even if just a whisper of disbelief
I deserve that of a thought
I shall take this and what is mine
and bring to dust what lays in the mud
Being left out would bring hope to doubt
Faith does not live within these walls
A fine line to bear the cross, to see a light lost
And I do not feel your presence to my forgiveness;
to be ok with such resistance
and not the presences of my existence
Please release me, let me go
Let me fall to the depths where I lost your grace
Buried with sleight of hand, and little faith
It’s ok, you did not save so I expect the same
The lost have nothing to lose, or gain
Please whisper me away
Faith Silenced
Faith did you speak?
I thought I heard a word?
Did you whisper things within my walls?
Did you speak things that once were mine?
Whispering things once adore and sought so true,
but wait…
If I come back to believe like once before
Will there always be doubt lingering where it never lingered before?
Faith did you speak?
Did you say something true?
Because I am afraid of finding something not so true
My house is not where it was once before
Please speak to what I am afraid For
Faith does not live here anymore
To rely on Faith would be a lie
Please speak I will wait and be complicit
Please do not let me lie on neither a side
Tell me anything, truth or lie
I'm listening, whispering
No I do not want to play, anymore
Even if I win there’s no surrender nor gain
Please release me from this game
I do not play it well
It's ok, you did not save so I expect the same
Faith did you speak?
Did you whisper tragedy?
Where once it did not lie
Taking life as if it were free, with one, with so many
I will never forget, and to forgiveness…
Well I guess that will have to be earned
No more prayers sent that once whispered your name,
sweetness does not come from an iron reign
Knowing that tragedy is not for me alone,
and when I hear of just one more
Faith is sealed and belief no more
One more nail in the coffin where Faith resides
Such a fragile nature, such a bitter lie
Faith did you speak?
No I do not think so
Because silence still spreads where once you spoke
Please release me, let me go
To mourn to which once was mine
No Faith does not live within this soul
Now broken to live within the mind,
and I cannot reach for something not felt whole
Please do not speak Faith
It's too heavy now, just let it lie
My whispers contain disbelief
And your whispers are not to be believed
Let the silence spread through every crack and break
Faith is too heavy now,
I cannot bear it’s weight,
and you wanting it that way
I do not want to play this game
I cannot win with a want of it that way
But I can release myself and seal my own faith,
bitter words already claiming the space
Still you are but a whisper away
And my beliefs are still a right,
as Faith still lies beneath my feet
“Damn it God you cannot win if I do not play!”
Yes you know my heart!
But you keep silent as I walk away
I shall release myself, no whispers remain
I mourn the loss to nothing gained
I'm free would you say?
Wait…
Faith did you speak?
Did you say my name?
Faith Speaks
Faith speaks, whispers, and leaves
Holding to a standard that cannot be achieved
Did I enter to believe?
Or was I pushed out to receive?
I’m I still inside?
Or did I break down the walls that held it inside?
I’m I lost?
Or is Faith lost?
Only Faith knows for sure
But Faith is too weak, I cannot believe
I do not know how to make it well
I do not know how to heel from disbelief
I do not know where Faith lies
I do not know if it will live or die
Please make you better,
please find me
Making to believe to receive a gift
Truly a selfish game we play
I can’t tell if I win or lose,
I do not play it well
I do not want to be free
Wait…
Faith did you speak?
Did I call your name?
A Tragic Faith
Am I worth saving? When so many lost, And if I am, why are not the rest? And in pain, why did you not save? And enlight, why do you show me the same?
Again I will ask, Am I worth saving? when so many lost, Maybe they have out played, and in lost much, more
A question in faith, Maybe just a thought, A burial? Last rites not laid? But I laid; buried you in a self-made coffin, to hide a life worth saving,
Maybe not dead? But still I buried; you did not flinch, or speak to be released, You did not whisper… Where to find you Where I buried you Where you hide Where I let you lie, And now, I expect you to find me, No please do not speak, I will live with that
Mourning, something taught, and something learned, Something, you cannot take back
I feel peace to my own, Indecisions made, But it is not the kind for need, I am in mourning, and acceptance believed. Please do not speak; I will not call your name You did not save, so I expect the same
I will put you done, So easy to take your light; from one who bears truth, but not belief
No, I am not worth saving, Especially with the words I write, They are not filled with anger, anymore, Just loss, and mourning, For something so precious, in which I believed
So now, am I worth saving? Something to speak? Something to be laid? Without breath or deed, No I will not call your name, No one can win, if we both don't play
I am in mourning,
And do not bear to hear, It’s only me; that’s been all this way, But silence speaks, Silence is something that bears a right, I cannot hear so many words
Damn it! I’m pulled back in! I’m playing now, aren’t I? What a cruel game you play,
Feeling now it is easier to sleep, than stay awake
I think I will end this game, and keep silence What will come, will come, What does not, will not, I can live with that…
No I don’t want to play this game, anymore The silence you speak, and the whispers you take; forge a place, that bears a Hell, Yes faith, you play too well
My Struggle, My Truth, My Beloved,
I found what was lost, and now it’s mine, So long a journey, such a lacks in time, And all I had to do, was say your name Too easy to say it was not? I did cry out, with truth and pain; with an abundance of wrath to precede your name, Beloved to anyone but me, and all I had to do… was release A thought heard, and believed
Though I am weak, and silence I keep, Missing the whispers; the back and forth You speak, I believe Yet there is a silence, and a why Why you give such sorrow? To those who are weak, believe There is no win, to what I understand, Why there must be heartache in Faith, I believe there is a blind spot , I guess in death I will see
Again, why do you give such sorrow? To believers, that do not waver, And in a waver, a believer, Yet in your light, there is truth But then, what of darkness? Because darkness is truth, Darkness makes reality, Feels the pain, precedes the change
Can one not feel the light before the dark? Leading both to a truth? And in one, they are a whole? So there it is, An answer in question! But that does that ease the pain, or fulfill the why
The why in which you do such things, Terrible, Tragic things, As if to welcome it, I do not, And to forgive it? As if you were live it, Yet you comfort; push the fallen to the brink, But not too far…to fall, Or too far…to stray
Thinking it can’t get much worse, But knowing it can… it could…and will Hoping not to stray to the end, Life is hopeless, When leaving Faith to dangle near the edge; where heartache and comfort live, Torturing how they are paired together, forever linked, Beyond a shadow to give to hope, Two of a kind, neither one can be spared
Please do not stray again, At least of all, to the end; where calls cannot be heard, And in promise, I will not stray too far, again, At least of all, to the end; where calls cannot receive your word
Yet, what if to go into darkness, with truth and pain, And not let lie to precede change, Darkness not guiding within the light, What then? To be damned? Choosing to enter the light, without the call of ones name
Yet darkness lingers so long, To enter the light; to throw to wind the cost, A believer to your call, because darkness leads the light, But then to leave a stain of darkness behind… Is that ok? Does it make it right? To enter the light without the call of ones name? Leaving darkness behind for others to bear, because I forsake… No, I do not think that is right
Again why do you give such sorrow? To believers that do not waver, And in a waver, a believer, I guess it does not matter, either or, It does not matter, We are all doomed, side by side No matter what side you lie, In all it is a whole, And I cannot climb out of something, so perfectly put together, as faith, It is true to form. So I enter, I stay, I believe, and you comfort
A Faith Changed: A Second Fall From Grace
They say it is the truth,
”I am renewed” “I am saved” Is that what they say? Is that My Faith?
To speak to Faith or to listen?
For me, I think a whisper, but it is not religion
I cannot hear what you preach,
Faith is still something I seek, live and hate. Don’t be surprised to linger too late, You will lose your faith; at least question why,
Faith may not be what you thought so true, Maybe it is not light or dark, maybe just is, not something to seek, Does that make truth obsolete? Maybe malleable at least
No I do not hear something new,
It is old, and nameless to the game,
Don’t be afraid to play, your already in,
Do not worry, you will not win,
Listen to your whispers, your truth, your Faith,
It’s calling, go ahead,
walk blindly into faith
Go play the game, live within Faiths walls, Faith comforts, and whispers And to all you disbelievers, We are all marked, And the lash of the fall will not save grace, Grace that lives within the shadows, will mark the fall, So heed the call. And when faith comes calling with those sweet whispers,
you will listen when you fall
But will you live the truth when Faith does not call?
Will you go and live within Faiths walls?
It is safe there;
truth does not live there, only faith, Though you may not enter when you fall; when life brazen and time taken,
For faith lives, it breathes, it calls,
It leaves, it whispers disbelief and malice calls, And to all you believers,
We are all marked,
And whispers will not pass, when it’s time to reap the fall, And grace that steps out of the shadows, will not bow to your call Take heed from someone who knows,
When faith comes calling with those sweet whispers,
you may not listen when you fall
The Burden
Oh these words I write, Still, so much anger and disbelief,
Whispers are not mine to take,
I will leave it for another day,
I know you are there, I have faith, And the whispers I can hear,
But I will not listen today,
Go find another, there are many to take
I will wait… Anger still lives, and fuels such hate,
Forgive me Faith, but you are weak,
And I do not care… What will wither, comfort, What will awaken, whisper,
Faith is a burden, I cannot awake
So sleep, whisper no more, For me a brief sigh, A welcome of hope, But I cannot lock such a burden of a door, The key of forgiveness, is not redemption, So I will come back, play this faithless game, with a key for indifference
Begging for a choice, when believing in Faith, And you, wanting it that way,
Such a selfish game we play, The whispers of Faith, are hard to hold on too, When knowledge is forced to play, And the heart hangs on, only not to break, and my soul start to whiter
But soon I will awake, and you will be Like Winter into Spring, And raptures that bare no seed,
But I will not know to listen,
Wake me when faith is Strong, and with Absolution,
When only screams to be heard, no whispers remain,
But for now…whispers are mine, and to this I hate
My burden is to be bore; To be toiled, and not spared,
So please go Faith, whisper no more,
I want to go back to slumber,
So lay me down, and I promise to keep,
And someday scream, to one who carries no name,
Screams that someday, maybe believed,
So for now, I will live within faith’s walls,
if only not to break
Forgive me Faith, but you are weak,
And I have no place, If you do not give me grace, So please stay, Even if only whispers remain, For the faith that was laid, cannot be given away
Please stay, and try to find, which once was yours, Yes, you can do, you are Faith
Yes…you are Faith! Please stay, in all I once adored For this burden is becoming, too hard to hold,
And the truth too painful, to be believed, this truth I know
So for now, I will still whisper faith, Even if it is something, I still hate, Yes… I know Faith, You are not finished, For faith is still a burden, I cannot take
Given
Faith what have you given? It’s left me numb, and painfully unforgiving, The wrath that lies in wait, The breaking point, I have left; just like what you took, I would like to see you through; taking what was lifted, Unsung, with a calmness of water, As I rage for calling on you; stopping the rape of forgiveness Left, imprisoned, with religious just, Comforts a body that has no soul, Remember you took; left me to reign over an empty mess, And I no longer whole, when you set foot, Igniting a bridge, under calm water, Knowing the jump be easy, claiming it Faith, It does not hold water, And I jump in, sinking… as you walk into the water
Ye of Little Faith
Ye of little faith? Ye of no faith? Little would be a lie, But your my lie, Your my Faith, Which side shall I lie on today? Ye of little faith, or Ye of no faith, It does not matter, A lie is a lie, Until discovered…and erased
Waiting For The Storm
Waiting for the storm to arrive; still no clouds within the sky Then darkness rolls pass my view, and I become weary
I am not afraid of the darkness; it has washed over many a time, Retreating, hoping it will not survive, Still waiting for the storm to arrive
I grow weary waiting, Waiting for what it brings, What it will wither, What it will claim, What it will whimper
Will it collapse? Will it bring favor? Will it destroy? And will it call hither? To what I do not seek as shelter
Still waiting for the storm to arrive, I grow weary; still no clouds within the sky
Unsettled
I do not want to talk right now, Please just let me be, Talking just makes me weary; does not place me where I want to be
The storm is coming; I need to save strength, The storm puts me at ease, when I retreat, But will tear me apart, if I dare to venture out
Do not ponder, when I am about to break Let the storm pass, it will make my peace No nothing will come from hanging on, Please go, just let me be Let the storm pass, make peace That breaks the silence, to wash over me, No nothing will come from hanging on
But I don't think the storm will pass, Lingering clouds, will not save my fall from grace, And no peace shall awaken me, No I don’t want to talk right now, Please just let me be
The storm is coming, I need to make way, The clouds will not pass, such a messy array I need to prepare… For the storm that is; the one that shall be, Waiting for me In spite of me, No nothing will come from hanging on, Please go…just let me be
On A Beautiful Sunday Afternoon
Do not worry about the storms, Or things that maybe laid upon the path, If death comes for you, or for others, Upon the “what ifs”, that lay within
When the weather is bad; life brings them far away, wish them safe travels, Even if that is not to be believed, Believe today that they will be safe, And will come home to you, and me
For the weather is good! The storms have passed! But remember…
Anything can happen, Even on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, now I have to live with that
2018-2019