—Ode to Lisa and Family
Nothing, Not Anything
What is the color of nothing? What does it look like?
What does it feel like?
Does it feel like what I know?
And if it does why can't I bear it?
Define it?
If I cannot bear it, put it down Then I cannot let it go,
and it rots me
Nothing is all that I have
It cannot be searched for
Put into words, canvas, or paints
Please tell me what is the color of nothing?
Because that is what is left
I cannot see it or believe it to have form
I still look everywhere, longing for something
But nothing sets forth
I feel it, barely believe it
Searching for something beyond it
But everything is nothing now
It surrounds my present, my future
Yet not my past, no not my past
Nothing does not live in the time of past
Only beautiful ghosts of form and color,
but I cannot live there very long
So I look to the present in the smallest amounts
Realizing you and your future are lost And I am left with nothing, not anything
One death is enough to bear, anymore I cannot
And nothing precedes, gives way It is too hard to bear nothing
Tell me please what is the color of nothing?
So I can put it down, make sense of it all Make it mine to bear
Nothing is too hard when it can’t be bore It has not color, form, or presence I look for you everywhere, still nothing is there
It stifles me, brings me here But paper cannot capture nothing, when it is not anything
I see nothing of once was mine
Yet I feel nothing in every core
And to feel nothing is not anything It is too much to bear nothing
Yet I want to bear it, if only for you
Everything is nothing now, not anything
And nothing physically left behind makes me without sight
This loss is too great to bear
And to be lost in nothing right now,
is not anything,
I know what you left and keep what is mine
But that does not bring me peace
Nor comfort or calm of mind
Just contempt for the Divine
Forgive me God, faith is weak
And you know my path, the path you laid upon me
But what was laid cannot be bore,
and asking for mercy
A force to define what was lost, left behind
Left with nothing, not anything
Still searching, can barely breathe
And nothing brings me to my knees
How can something be so powerful as nothing, yet not anything
Do you know the color of nothing?
Can you sit beside me give me sight?
Or is nothing meant not to be bore?
Can we share something so powerful and painful as nothing, yet not anything
I need to find the color, my grief, my sight
My grief is not nothing
It is everything, not anything
Please tell me, give me the color
What is the color of nothing?
March 22nd 2019